002. mark

The markings on my face are getting bigger, the white marks turning up in places they weren't in before. I always told my mom that it was ok, that I was and would be more than ok. But my reaction disturbs me, disconcerts me. That with each faint outline that indicates a new patch of fairness that I do not want, a nervous tick tick tick turns on inside me.

I told myself I would take it in my stride, that I would not be ashamed, that I would not hide something that I couldn't hide because the spot's been decided and it is laid out for the world to see. More importantly, is there a point in fretting over something that did not come to me by my own fault? That is the way my cells collided, the way my body turned out to be and if you ask me "why?", I can only simply reply, "it just is". Maybe I was prepared for this, but I wasn't prepared for more. Would you let these marks define your mark in the world?

I always knew my mom was stronger than me.

001. try

When I was 15, he told me, "there is no try, only do or do not". He wanted me to be better in something that I thought I could only be good at up to a certain point, if that was even considered good at all. It's stuck with me ever since I heard it from him. I suppose it carried such weight because it came from someone who was (and still is) so dedicated to his craft. If you want to be better, you have to do something. You can't just try to do something.

I was out and about in the city area today and I told myself that I should try taking more pictures. I realise that I've been telling myself to try a lot of things lately. Try to write more, try to eat healthier, try to take more pictures, try to exercise, try to be a better daughter, try to be more understanding, try to lessen my sense of entitlement, the list goes on.

Sometimes, we underestimate the power of words. We forget that even when we're not making statements labelled officially as 'promises', we're accountable for what we say or do not say. What a difficult circumstance to be in - this unfortunate reality that we often have no control over what we're held responsible for.

Perhaps we should all start using 'try' only in the past tense - tried. And when we think about the future, about something that we want to do or want to achieve, we instead say, we will. That's more definite. And if we do fail, we then say, "I tried." Semantics. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It might not get us all the way, but who knows - if you give it a chance, it might get you far enough.

000.

Reminding myself that nothing is original and it's alright to be inspired. It doesn't mean that you're copying and it doesn't mean that you don't have anything to contribute in your own right but just a reality that in a way, we're all dependent on each other.

Are these not your own words coming from your own mind that nobody else has access to? Then why can't you accept them as yours? Sure, they are not yours alone, might not have started out as something of your own, but to get to this point - to the point where they have materialised, I honestly believe it's all you. And I hope that you believe it too.

I feel that I can't write too many paragraphs because then I start getting conscious about the way I'm writing, if I'm being coherent yada yada. It's as if I've been chained to a wall all this time and I was running, running and enjoying my 'freedom' until slowly, I noticed the tinkling of chains tied around my ankle and I realised I was tethered all along. So before I run till I eventually fall and can no longer move, I'm going to stop here for now.

A bit sad, ain't it.