54. reconciliation

Reconciliation is not enough; reconciliation is not the end. It's like when you're wearing a white outfit out and you're scared anxious panicked that you're gonna eat something sit on something do something that's gonna stain it dirty it ruin it so you end up not living. You're dead stifled stuck unable to breathe. That's what reconciliation feels like sometimes, that's what being a Christian is like sometimes.

The devil is good at two things. First, temptation. Second, despair. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Not this time. I will not peg my worth to you. I will not see me how you see me, a weapon of hurt or a cesspit of disappointment to hit back at the One who loves me most. I am His child, a child of light and a child for day. I was made for greater things than this.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

53. challenge

Today would be post #53 if I had kept up my 'challenge'. Challenging, indeed. (；-◞౪◟-) Can't help but laugh at my failure to keep up with this for even a week, goodness gracious. Ridiculous leh, really.

005. write, right?

I'm turning out quite terrible at keeping up with the days for this self-imposed challenge, aren't I? Counting the days 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6; and the posts 1, 2, 3, 4. I'm behind by two. But hey, the day isn't over yet, right. Here's to catching up, here's to never giving up.

My word the other night (1st September) was supposed  to be "brother" and I had made up my mind already about it on the day itself, before I got caught up in tech rage, of course. Yesterday, it was supposed to be "mother". And I've come to realise that when I decide on a word very early on in the day or the week, and I 'force' myself to write according to that, it becomes more difficult.

Am I allowed to change my mind? No one, cares, really, right - if I do use another word. But I don't know why I feel pressured to confine myself to the 'plans' I have made. No one's even heard these plans! They're all in my head and already, I feel responsible for them, like I've abandoned them if I don't follow through.

I wonder if it's right to just write according to your mood, or if you should set some boundaries - work only within certain spaces. Does that mean the writing becomes less authentic though? I overthink. Maybe the whole point is to just write. Get it out of your system. How do the great writers do it? Though I guess that shouldn't matter because

they are them
you are you
and I am me.

003. tattoo

A wise Kuya, who has a tattoo sleeve, once told me that it's alright to get a tattoo, just make sure you have an actual proper reason to get it. He said this in the context that tattoos were, and still are, often frowned upon. I've never been against getting one. Now, if only I knew what to actually get and my reason for doing so. But even if I knew either or both, I don't think I'd be able to do it. The commitment level is too high.

Like how I got this henna tattoo over the weekend, and I grew sick of it in like - a day? And it was a design I liked and picked out. So who's to say I won't hate what I've already permanently etched into my skin a day later? Except this time, it's not going to fade away.

I usually don't think of myself as fickle-minded or somebody who's afraid of commitment, especially for important things, but in retrospect, I haven't taken the leap for a long time now. It's always one toe in the water and ready to back away at any instant. (... And then, there comes moments like these when I feel like the version of self I have in my head is the me when I was 16 or 17, and I'm not even that person anymore.)

But maybe I'm just projecting. What do henna tattoos have to do with love and life and choices and whatnot anyways? (insert picture of Calvin asking his questions to the air/world/himself)

004. tech

On this day, the word will be tech. Tech like the tech that's taken over our lives, like the syllable in Tech-ka market but probably doesn't have a place there. Tech unlike Tech-en which I know remains cool even though I haven't played in the longest time and I don't know where our PS1 is. Tech like the drug that we're all addicted to and can't be without. Tech with the ugly withdrawal symptoms.

Welcome to Techolics Anonymous.

I wanted to wait till I got all the tech rage out of my system before I started writing but to hell with it, why not. No more tech rage though, just tech spent - mentally and emotionally, which has manifested outwardly physically. Think about how much of our lives we're really dedicating to information technology - money and time especially. Heck, I want to apply for a job at an IT company (more on that another time, and if ever I decide to actually move forward with it).

In a way, life was easier back when tech was merely a part of our lives and not the actual life. It was something we amused ourselves with for a while but eventually put down in pursuit of other more enjoyable, important things. It was one aspect, but it didn't permeate our lives. What really frustrates me, I suppose, is when things spiral out of my control and I can't do anything about it - you just have to wait for somebody else to fix it, you just have to wait for it to fix itself, you just have to not do anything because there is nothing you can do.

That's what frustrates me - like I'm a slave to this life, these hobbies, these extracurricular activities. With manual, you had control. You could physically change things, but now - nope, not gonna happen. Wring your hands, fiddle with your fingers, stare at the spinning rainbow circle of doom, tap taP tAP SMACK your unresponsive keyboard - things are not yours to change, not yours to improve, not yours to fix.

Ah, what a rant - talk to me again when I'm not fed up with this tech-reliant life. I swear I'll have positive, more sensible things to say but for now ...

002. mark

The markings on my face are getting bigger, the white marks turning up in places they weren't in before. I always told my mom that it was ok, that I was and would be more than ok. But my reaction disturbs me, disconcerts me. That with each faint outline that indicates a new patch of fairness that I do not want, a nervous tick tick tick turns on inside me.

I told myself I would take it in my stride, that I would not be ashamed, that I would not hide something that I couldn't hide because the spot's been decided and it is laid out for the world to see. More importantly, is there a point in fretting over something that did not come to me by my own fault? That is the way my cells collided, the way my body turned out to be and if you ask me "why?", I can only simply reply, "it just is". Maybe I was prepared for this, but I wasn't prepared for more. Would you let these marks define your mark in the world?

I always knew my mom was stronger than me.

001. try

When I was 15, he told me, "there is no try, only do or do not". He wanted me to be better in something that I thought I could only be good at up to a certain point, if that was even considered good at all. It's stuck with me ever since I heard it from him. I suppose it carried such weight because it came from someone who was (and still is) so dedicated to his craft. If you want to be better, you have to do something. You can't just try to do something.

I was out and about in the city area today and I told myself that I should try taking more pictures. I realise that I've been telling myself to try a lot of things lately. Try to write more, try to eat healthier, try to take more pictures, try to exercise, try to be a better daughter, try to be more understanding, try to lessen my sense of entitlement, the list goes on.

Sometimes, we underestimate the power of words. We forget that even when we're not making statements labelled officially as 'promises', we're accountable for what we say or do not say. What a difficult circumstance to be in - this unfortunate reality that we often have no control over what we're held responsible for.

Perhaps we should all start using 'try' only in the past tense - tried. And when we think about the future, about something that we want to do or want to achieve, we instead say, we will. That's more definite. And if we do fail, we then say, "I tried." Semantics. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It might not get us all the way, but who knows - if you give it a chance, it might get you far enough.

000.

Reminding myself that nothing is original and it's alright to be inspired. It doesn't mean that you're copying and it doesn't mean that you don't have anything to contribute in your own right but just a reality that in a way, we're all dependent on each other.

Are these not your own words coming from your own mind that nobody else has access to? Then why can't you accept them as yours? Sure, they are not yours alone, might not have started out as something of your own, but to get to this point - to the point where they have materialised, I honestly believe it's all you. And I hope that you believe it too.

I feel that I can't write too many paragraphs because then I start getting conscious about the way I'm writing, if I'm being coherent yada yada. It's as if I've been chained to a wall all this time and I was running, running and enjoying my 'freedom' until slowly, I noticed the tinkling of chains tied around my ankle and I realised I was tethered all along. So before I run till I eventually fall and can no longer move, I'm going to stop here for now.

A bit sad, ain't it.